What does it mean to get married to an alcoholic or to a man who later on will become an alcoholic? What is it? Is it a mistake? Is it foolishness, punishment, or fate? All these commonly accepted answers presuppose the experience of self-pity, strive to save an alcoholic, or humility.
I offer you to see yourself in this alcoholic. Have you ever considered what an alcoholic experiences and why he or she drinks? My approach presupposes a full understanding of yourself. Everything you see, especially in people that are close to you is you. Are you interested in yourself or do you blame yourself?
Why there are so many alcoholic men in my life?
— Why there are so many alcoholic men in my life? I consider myself to be an independent woman. I work, and I earn my money. I probably scare people away with this behavior.
— No. You scare certain people away and attract other people. You are a responsible woman. Now, let’s take a look at what an alcoholic is? It’s a human being who, in a state of drunkenness, can neither walk nor talk. He is stumbling around pushing other people until finally he falls to the ground vomiting. He cannot even be responsible for his movements.
We are passing our lessons in duality here. If on a conscious level, you consider yourself responsible and manifest it, you will attract the opposite. And based on that opposite you will feel self-importance as a responsible human being who controls herself and the situation, while those alcoholics don’t. Therefore, the question is why do you need them?
— I am already tired of being independent.
— You are tired of being independent! Then become non-independent. An example of this non-independency is in front of your eyes all your life—alcoholics and drug users. Can you get drunk, go outside, and fall into the snow singing? Someone responsible will approach you and say: «Who is this? This is such a responsible woman! How can she lay here in the snow drunk? » Everyone will be surprised and people will start to point fingers at you. And this is scary.
Everything that develops in your external life and in the life of people you attract is a reflection of your inner scenario. This alcoholic or drug user is inside of you, not outside. But you don’t want to know it. You accuse him saying: «It’s not me».
But he is around and around you. You scream: «I am tired of you. Get away from me! ». You push him through a door, but he comes back through a window. Why? It happens because he is you. I offer you to constantly investigate yourself in all your manifestations. But the question I asked you: «Do you know what an alcoholic experience and why does he drink? », — you cannot answer.
In such case, I make a conclusion that you are not familiar with this part of yourself. And this is quite a significant part of you. It is as significant as the responsible part which you describe and talk about with satisfaction. But at the same time, you don’t know anything about your other side, which is manifested in these alcoholics.
Tell me why do they drink? How do they live? What do they feel? What happens to them when fingers are pointed at them? What did he feel when someone’s finger pointed at him for the first time: «Ah, that’s who you are! An irresponsible drunk! What kind of a man are you? You are not a man! »
What happened to him then? He went and he got drunk because he did not want to hear that. He accused himself and started to destroy himself using alcohol. Later on, he became unruly. He got used to these fingers pointed at him, and he started to drink daily.
Life is hard, and it has its reasons. Everyone has his or her own reasons for everything that happens in their life. A killer has reasons to kill. An alcoholic has reasons to drink. A drug addict has reasons to use drugs. A thief has reasons to steal. But do you know these reasons? Do you understand them? Do you want to figure them out? Or do you say: «This is society’s garbage. Let police take care of them. It is not my concern unless he falls next to me and vomits on my jacket».
My approach presupposes a full understanding of yourself. I tell you: «Everything you see, especially in people that are close to you is you». Are you interested in yourself or do you blame yourself? You blame.
People, who happen to be in a sleeping state of consciousness, perceive themselves from one side only. For example, a man says: «I am responsible. I am handsome. I am rich. I am successful». But in reality, how can he find this out? He finds this out through the opposite side of himself that he does not accept. For me, on the other hand, a human being is not simply these qualities: positive separately and negative separately. No, for me a human being is a scale of duality.
If you tell me, for example, that you are responsible, I immediately see your irresponsibility, because it is one scale: responsibility—irresponsibility. That’s how the training ground is built here. That’s how the personality of a human being is constructed. Personality does not have one side without the opposite side. Therefore, I do not condemn the opposite sides, as you do. I allow you an opportunity to understand and to accept yourself in both sides, i.e. to master the whole scale of duality in yourself.
— I can understand what you are saying in general, but I can’t see irresponsibility in myself.
— You are irresponsible in these alcoholics. You project your irresponsibility onto them. You can’t even understand that they are the reflected parts of you. That’s how one-sided your perception is.
— Do I have to get into this state in order to investigate it?
— Yes, that’s the minimum you can do. You have to understand and feel this person very well, but until you accuse and blame him for alcoholism, you will not be able to do it. But looks like you accumulated many arguments through the years. He is not a human being for you now. He is just a floor mop. I offer you something totally different. Take a look at this from the point of view of an investigator. It does not mean that I say that alcoholics are good, and it does not mean that I say that alcoholics are icky. I say that this is a subject that you as an investigator should explore. Start to investigate.
The position of an investigator is not a position of a condemning judge. It is not a position of a defense attorney who is defending his client. It is a position of an investigator who wants to understand what another human being experience. I am not an alcoholic. I drink very infrequently. But I drink when I need to figure something out. Sometimes certain blocks do not allow me to see something, and I use a drink. But somehow I understand people who drink very well. I also understand people who use drugs, even though I don’t use them myself.
— Perhaps it is my maternal program. I push hard. I am vicious. Everything has to be the way I say as it is the only right thing. That is probably what pushes a man to alcoholism.
— That’s the key. Imagine a man whose woman tells him what to do, how to do it, where to go, and where to sit down. Will he feel himself a man? But he is in a male body. He has to be a man, as he was told. But he is not a man because he is under her foot. What does he start to do? He starts to feel guilty and, as a result, blame toward her. However, he is afraid to manifest it. So, he starts to drink, i.e. to destroy himself.
But you have contributed to it. And you find specifically these men. Imagine a man that would order you around: «Do this! Do that! Stay there! » How would you react to it?
— I think that if it was a strong and responsible man, I would have probably accepted it.
— Don’t lie to me. This is your assumption, but if he were to show up in your house … it will be ultimate fighting. Someone will be carried out of that house pretty soon. I don’t know whether it will be you or him, but someone will be carried out. So, in order to maintain this role that was given to you by you program, you need to have these men that you can knock down. Would you be able to allow something else? That’s the question. You will not allow it as then you will have to accept that opposite side in yourself. That’s the difficulty of our work, as we open the sides of us that we project onto others and accuse.
Take a look at the people that are close to you. What do you blame them for? Remembering that people that are close to you are your reflections, redirect and address this blame to yourself. Feel what the one you blame is experiencing. You know this state in yourself, as it is precisely what you feel when others blame you for that. Determine which shadow side of yourself you avoid, not accepting it in yourself.
Dr. Emin Kuliev